Whenever I write about polyamory or sexual freedom, a lot of people take one admitting to be polyamorous to mean they could ask to be part of that polyamorous relationship or sexual freedom to mean “I’d like to fuck everybody that wants to fuck me!”
I understand that consciousness takes some time before it grows and spreads and the ideas of polyamory and sexual freedom are sort of alien to the Nigerian scene, especially if women are the subjects.
“I am a sexually free woman” does not mean and is totally different from “I’m looking for someone to come have sex with me” or “please, come to the comment section and show me your genitals and sexual prowess!”
I admitting to doing things women are not freely allowed to do in a patriarchal world is not meant to compete with other women, or “prove” I’m better at resisting systemic patriarchy. I’m not trying to prove anything, I’m not trying to compete. I’m not trying to “pepper” you. Gosh, I really can’t enjoy what I’m doing unless every other woman out there can freely choose to do those things too. I understand that I’m not free until every other woman is equally free. And that’s the point of throwing everything I do out, normalizing things patriarchy has made into taboos for women, and throwing ideas out for other contributions and perspectives. I don’t know it all and I’m also as confused as anyone else. What I will never do is keep quiet and accept the status quo. We move, right?
“I’m in a polyamorous relationship” is different from “I am looking for potential partners for my polyamorous relationship.” It’s not an invitation for you to come asking to be part of that relationship because afterall, “you are polyamorous.” 🤷🏻♀️
You CANNOT hide behind polyamory to try and… Uhm, let me use the word “hijack.” (Láì ṣe computer village where you can “hijack” phones and laptops 😅).
Love in itself cannot be “hijacked.” Friendship cannot be “hijacked.”
You CANNOT hide behind polyamory to hijack other people’s partners. The fact that you think this is possible is evidence that you do not understand the concept of polyamory YET. It shows you’re still caged by patriarchy and capitalistic monogamy that privatizes love, puts a value on it and tells us love is scarce. Love is free in itself, we’re the ones caging love and even building a whole institutional prison around it and calling it “MARRIAGE.”
It’s totally unrealistic and even unfair to humanity asking people to seek all their needs from just one person, and reserve this special feeling we call “love” to just one person. Love should be freely given to anybody and everybody. Humanity cannot survive without this and capitalist patriarchy brought the concept of “romantic love” to cause division, selfishness, possessiveness and the competition that capitalism needs to survive. “Romantic love” is a facade, a smokescreen, something that doesn’t really exist. Love exists and Love is free. Romantic Love is an illusion, a mirage; A mirage that gave birth to monogamy, sexism and heterosexism. Love is love, love is whole, it doesn’t need any adjective. It shouldn’t have any adjective. And it should definitely not be restricted to certain kinds of people in our lives.
I’ve practised polyamory with my partner for a while. It became necessary because my partner and I realized relationships cannot generally survive on the ideas of patriarchial monogamy. It’s not just sustainable. It was not realistic, neither was it the ideal thing to do.
Delving into polyamory together actually opened my eyes especially that polyamory in itself, although a beautiful and very progressive evolution from monogamy, also has its own limitations caused by patriarchy. It is supposed to be the freeing opposite of monogamy, but somehow the patriarchy of monogamy has penetrated. This same thing happens with the LGBTQ+ alternative to heterosexuality with gender role tags like studs, femmes, tops and bottoms dominating the scene. Discussing these limitations is entirely a different topic for another day which I may write about (or not) in honour of the beautiful friendship I’ve had with my partner for four years this coming Valentine’s day. (We officially agreed to date on Valentine’s day with baby boo producing a ring, going down on a knee and went “Would you be my girlfriend” on me. Fucking romantic shiii, I’ll never forget ’til I die! 😁🥰). Actually, “romantic love” should not have to be restricted for monogamy or monogamous relationships like that.
For now, I just want to write about a particular incident that happened two days ago.
My partner had traveled for some time and he was to arrive on an evening, right? I suffered a lot from my PMS symptoms and I just couldn’t wait to hold, hug and kiss him. That always makes me feel better. Now I had this just one other man that lives in my area (we’ll call him M) that I randomly just go out with y’know? Something casual, nothing really deep. My partner knows about him. In fact, he once gave me money to take him out. He said he wished he had more money so I could take as much men as I wanted out, a conversation borne this morning when I discussed this particular incident that happened on that evening with him. This idea is because men tend to be less patriarchal when it’s women taking them out, and not because money is everything. I complain to him a lot about how I go out and men are still patriarchal to me, sometimes unintentionally, despite knowing I’m a feminist.
It happened that M was around my area and asked to see my face. As I was stepping out of the gate, my partner arrived on a bike and M was just very few meters away.
I didn’t flinch. I felt so safe and confident. I didn’t start shaking or fidget and try to cover anything up.
I wanted to greet my partner and take some of his loads, right? But he said: “Hey, is that him? No, no, you can go.”
My mind kept saying “wow wow wow” like an ambulance. Hesitating a bit, I went to meet M who stood a bit afar from us. Some minutes later, I ran back inside to give my partner a proper welcome aaannnddd… Curtain! 😛
I didn’t talk about that incident with my partner until this morning. I explained how I felt that evening; that refreshing freedom, that confidence and I kept telling him: “I want that! I desire that! I want to get there too!”
I mean take a moment to reverse what happened that evening. Imagine I was the one coming back from a trip and I met my partner with not just a random girl, a girl he’s been fucking. I am a woman in a patriarchal world. Yes, I’m trying to resist patriarchy but the fact that systemic patriarchy is dealing with me cannot be over-emphasized. What would YOU possibly do as a woman in THAT situation? 😅 As a woman, I was obviously more crushed by patriarchy than my partner who is a man.
In three-four years ago, I think I was a kind of person that would have beaten that girl to a pulp. I have records on ground proving that. 😅🙈 I’m very ashamed of that, now that I’m enlightened.
But the more conscious me wouldn’t have gone to that length; I would be jealous of course. The whole evening probably ruined. I’d be afraid my partner could leave me for the other person. I would quickly try to compare myself and see where I was “better.” I would try to compete and all these are just symptoms of the abandonment issues patriarchy has created and nurtured in women. Patriarchal heteronormativity does not allow women to freely choose the men they want, we have to wait for the men to seek us out. If we ask men out ourselves, we’re “cheap“, we’ll lose our values. In the worst case, we will be regarded as sluts or witches who want to bewitch the men we ask out.
It’s funny how true this is because I was actually attracted to M when we met on the streets but I faced front until M actually ran back and caught up with me and did the “toasting.” I liked him, but I couldn’t talk.
My partner pointed it out I was the boldest, strongest person he’d ever known but even at that, I’m still at the mercy of patriarchy. I am a woman and there are institutions on ground ready to “put me in my place” as a woman in every way possible. In this light, whatever move we’re trying to make away from patriarchal monogamy, that move or improvement will come from me first and the cycle is not complete until I throw it out there and let other women reason out what I’ve been doing in my life until we all come together, and agree to systematically fight whatever cage(s) we’re in.
You cannot fight systemic issues individually, just by being yourself or living your life. You’ll still be affected, you cannot be wholly free that way.
Despite the fact that we’re both polyamorous, I must admit that I’m jealous of his polyamorous lifestyle more than he is jealous of mine. We practically had to start the polyamory from my end of the relationship. I must admit that I am more comfortable seeing him intimate with men, than I am seeing him with women. I’m admitting this weakness because I am very aware of the weakness and I believe that awareness is the first stage of healing that weakness. Is this balanced or fair to him, no? That’s where feminism comes in. It takes a feminist to understand that the social system of atriarchy is not balanced and I am much more oppressed and indoctrinated by patriarchy than he is. This is the understanding that can inform the kind of patience he has. He is not a fool neither has he been bewitched or emasculated like slaves of patriarchy and alfa mails would love to think. Our understanding of feminism is the reason why we’ve been able to understand one another up to this point, and patiently encourage the growth of one another up to this point.
Polyamory can be more dramatic than monogamy if feminism is not involved. It’s only a feminist that can understand that the patriarchal abandonment issues of a woman will necessarily be sharper than that of a man who is told by patriarchy that he has the freedom to choose any woman he wants anytime and walk up to woo them.
The summary is polyamory MUST be feminist. Even friendship must be feminist before it can be fulfilling.
What’s ‘romantic” love? What’s love? What’s friendship? And is marriage important or necessary in human relationships?
Until we meet again on these topics, ponder on these questions. Humanity keeps evolving because we keep thinking.
SISÍ AFRIKA.
