I never knew a day would come that I would ever feel something like pity or something invariably close to that emotion for a sexist but one day, I genuinely felt pity for one.
You don’t need to know how I ended up in this guy’s apartment alright?
We’d never met, it was the first time.
I watched as he floundered about, totally confounded on how he should relate to me.
I first thought it was my usual “Sisí Afrika” effect y’know? I’m used to people cowering a bit, afraid of my online persona and I douse the tension by being extra chatty and smiley.
“Hey, I’m just a girl fighting for her rights. I don’t bite.”
I believe it’s very dangerous for people to fear you, you’re not safe. I’d rather be loved.
Anyway? I would later realize this guy didn’t genuinely know how to relate with me not because I was Sisí Afrika but because he didn’t know how to communicate with any woman for that matter. He was just confused.
He couldn’t gather his thoughts or bearings. He didn’t know what to do. He kept going back and forth, I could have sworn his hands shook a bit.
And he tried being nice to me, oh he tried so hard but this guy couldn’t cross that damned bridge set between the male and female gender by patriarchy.
He knew I was a feminist (of course we met on Facebook) and tried talking about what I do, right?
He relaxed a bit.
And then he made sexist comments about women.
I wasn’t feeling him already, and those comments just sort of sealed it and I said I was leaving.
I went to his place to chop and clean mouth, y’know what I mean? I went there to fuck his brains out because I was horny and he’s one of those guys I had my eyes on.
But guy was sexist.
I wouldn’t even have bothered. I just needed his penis right? It wasn’t like I wanted to date or marry him or som’n. Just fuck and move.
But he fidgeted too much around me. Too much.
I was in danger.
Those men who ain’t confident around women would do ANYTHING to assert their masculinity and ‘superiority’ over women as patriarchy has taught them.
They could rape women, they could kill women because of the sudden surge of adrenaline that they couldn’t handle, they could miscalculate. Anything could go wrong.
I’m not writing this just for the word count and I pumping the air that I’ve written an article, I am versed in Psychology to a large extent so I’m not picking this little theorem out of thin air.
In Mindy McGinnis’ A MADNESS SO DISCREET, you can deduce that you may be lucky enough to evade your potential murderer as a woman if you could read him right. Gosh, I’m not adding becoming an urgent psychologist overnight to the ever obnoxiously growing list of what women have to do to be safe from sexism, far from it. Patriarchy should simply be dismantled so men and young boys could start getting socially conditioned differently to stop hurting women and seeing us as inferiors. I’m just subtly infusing knowing a bit of Psychology for the sake of this article and maybe for the little glimmer of hope that we could actually get to the bottom roots of all the problems we have in this world, sexism inclusive, through Psychology.
Men who have very hard times normally relating with women are more likely to hurt you. They’ll do anything to “prove” that they’re men and you’re “just” a woman. They’ll do anything to you to stifle that fear of you as a woman. Did I consult any Psychology book before I’m making this assertion? No.
It’s totally subjective to my personal experiences and from that book I mentioned earlier. But I feel this assertion is not far from logic.
That guy and I were supposed to have fun but he screwed that up and I just had to leave.
I left his place and met another man on my way home and screwed him and left and made sure we never saw again.
The vagina goddess has been satisfied.
But I still remember that first guy and I pity him each time I remember him.
He was genuinely lost.
And for the first time, I could empathize with a sexist man, and I could only do that because this time, I wasn’t viewing him from the lens of a victim. I wasn’t a victim. I was a woman, untouchable, enclosed by the thick glass of feminism (but maybe not for long).
I was calm throughout, I didn’t panic. He knew ME, I was a feminist. He wouldn’t touch me. I was sure of that. Maybe there was some of other nuance we should factor in here that I wasn’t aware of but I was SURE he wouldn’t hurt me. He was just a guy in distress, a guy fucked up by patriarchy so much so that even while trying to impress a feminist he knew he could get some from in some minutes, that sexism still forced its way out of this man. He couldn’t help it.
That’s his nature, that’s how he was raised and conditioned.
He was who he was.
He looked lonely, he didn’t look like he had any meaningful relationship going on in his life. If he had any woman in his life, the woman would already be broken, smashed, “in her place” inside the patriarchal cage and I tell you that even these sexist men aren’t mostly satisfied with those kinds of women. They never have meaningful relationships. What meaningful relationships can you have with your “subordinates?” Can two walk together unless they agree? Does the superior have any “agreement” to do with the “inferior?” It would be a relationship based on inequality and there’ll always be oppressions and resentments being exchanged like osmotic water between the “head” and the “neck”. Patriarchal princesses are already “conquered” and so these men would circle around women who are still resisting, the unbent, the unbroken, the fiery ones. If you’re a woman who belongs to this category, you’ll be nodding your head in agreement with me when I say men always swarm around you.
You’re an “exception” to the “rule.” How could this be? This woman refusing to break? They will always find their ways to you; the feminist men seeking you out like a breath of fresh air and the sexists panting to rectify this anomaly, this exception. They need to put you back in that cage because they’re not used to your abnormality. They fidget. They cower. They’re afraid of you. And they can lash out anytime.
Has anyone ever empathized with these sexists tho’?
This is my first time of ever doing that too and I could only do this because that night, I genuinely saw that guy as a victim TOO.
A victim of Patriarchy that strips men of their humanity, of their ability to feel, that they’re so afraid to show their emotions and quickly announce they’re not simps. They’re victims of patriarchy that gives them illusions of power over women and in return, they’re to become slaves to capitalism until they breathe their last, slaving away for women and children to keep that illusory power patriarchy has given them. They’re victims of patriarchy that has dumbed them down, telling them all they have to do to be superior and relevant is to have penises. They’re victims of patriarchy that strips them of the ability to have beautiful and meaningful connections with women. They can’t even talk to women, these sexist men. Why do you think they’d resort to catcalling you on the streets?
They’re miserable. They’re generally hated. They never enjoy their marriages and relationships with women they manage to cage.
Please, how could they?
Their humanity is gone!
They rationalize raping women.
They rationalize killing women and blame women for getting murdered.
And if someone’s humanity is gone, they cannot enjoy life anymore.
That guy that evening opened my eyes to something I’d never really seen before. Maybe I had but I kind of understood better and I hope you shelve your valid anger and hatred for these people for just a while and try to understand this war against patriarchy better.
You need to understand how these soldiers are forged and formed and sent into the battlefield (the world) to kill, rape and cage everyone of us who have vaginas or more aptly put, those of us who are (remotely) feminine.
While those ruling class benefitting from patriarchy (and capitalism) keep fuelling gender war and telling us to tear one another to pieces. They will never tell you this that I’m trying to tell you. In fact, they will intentionally call people like me that are feminists “bitter” and “man haters” even when we’re necessarily not. They need that division going on and we’re only sticking to their script if we don’t calmly go to the drawing board and understand these fucking war tactics!
You know I read an article from a Psychologist explaining that it will be very difficult for men to love women.
A professor explained that men are not taught and socially conditioned on how to be men, they’re taught on how to NOT be like women. Men are raised NOT for the sole purpose of being raised like men, they’re raised to be the exact opposite of women with women being “less.” The second sex. The weak ones. Men don’t really have identities or emotions, they’re tied to mirror women but in the opposite direction.
Don’t cry, you are not a pussy!
Don’t be caring, are you a sissy?
Don’t play with dolls, you’re not a girl!
Be violent, you’re a man!
Man up, you’re not a woman. You’re not a simp!
Don’t walk like a woman!
Don’t drive like a woman!
Don’t cry like a woman!
Don’t do everything like a woman!
“Being a man” is entirely defined by not being like a woman and THAT’s really sad!
The professor further explains this is why men can’t inherently like women, because they’ve been taught all their lives to hate the essence of women. To not be like women. To be their exact opposites. How then can you love someone you’ve been told to not be like all your life?
And we have men scrambling about on the social media trying so hard to prove they’re not stupid and not in love with women; trying so hard that they’re not simps. There’s even a derogatory name for men loving women, gosh.
Homophobia has also been connected to misogyny.
You would realize most men see women just as sex objects, nothing more. In fact, this is men’s natural response. If you’re a man and you’re not in this category, I put it to you that you’ve fought what you’re naturally conditioned to be and you have done a good job and it is not easy. This is why men would generally ask women what other thing we could possibly bring to the table. Men pursue women for sexual pleasures not because they necessarily like women. Men cannot like women as “people.” Women are sex objects, they’re necessary evils. What they see women capable of ever being useful for is sex, which means sex is basically the only thing still generally uniting men and women. Take it out of the way and the whole connection gets severed, and the gap widens. Nothing else connects men and women but the primal need to satisfy an evolutionary urge.
That night, looking at that guy fidgeting all about and trying so hard to suppress the sexism but still not succeeding, my survival instinct kicked in and I ran. That sexism overwhelmed him, he wasn’t in control. The only “use” I had for him that night was as a sex object. During or after the sex, he could hurt me. He wouldn’t have any more use for me anymore, would he?
Quick question to the ladies; have you ever sensed or seen a man looking at you with disgust during or after sex? I have. Once. With a guy I thought I was dating during my Pre-Degree program. It happens.
With all these explanations, it means men who do not consciously fight the social conditionings of not being like women and hating femininity would become misogynistic monsters who see women as “necessary evils.”
I didn’t replace “men” with “misogynists” in this write-up because I want to emphasize the effect of society on M E N before they become “misogynists.”
You are a man first, before you become a misogynist.
You were not born that way.
I’m glad we have non-binary and trans and intersex.
The whole point of gender inequality is gender gap.
And I see the lines getting more blurred and blurred everyday.
Look, my partner is a feminist and he would ALWAYS tell me he would be a misogynistic baskad if not that he met me, and really KNEW me. He said he would rationalize sexism and I got what he was trying to say. I’ve met a lot of men who rationalize sexism, who are so smart and brilliantly sell sexism to you that even you would almost be carried away and impressed.
Men are told since they’re little boys they’re better than us, they’re masters, they’re the heads and we the necks or whatever, they’re special because they have penises. They’re not told they’re men, they’re told they’re NOT women and you expect these little boys to turn out well and become feminist men? Who love and pamper women and see women as their equal? Na magic?
You still don’t get it that this is a systemic issue, do you?
Do you realize that you as a fiery feminist could have a sexist for a son? Look at Funmilayo Ransome Kuti; her son Fela sang that LADY song. Can you reconcile that fact in your mind?
On the radio, TV and magazines, boys are told to assert their masculine dominance over women. How will those boys become men who are not sexist fucks?
Don’t you see even this war is bigger than these foolish pitiable sexist men who think they’re in control and are CHOOSING their own life paths?
In schools, and churches and mosques and even in the family units, these sexist soldiers are bred and groomed against women!
Any man who doesn’t constantly and consciously fight against all these conditionings would definitely be a misogynistic baskad. It’s a given, it’s would be the natural response to how they’re raised!
And fighting systemic conditionings is hard. OMG, it’s VERY hard!
I am a feminist and I still struggle every damn day to overcome so many things I’ve been conditioned to be as a woman! For example, I understand it’s not the woman’s fault when a male partner gets ‘snatched’ but my first instinct is to blame the woman before I rationalize it and pull myself back from doing that! My first instinct is to hate and tear that other woman to pieces! That’s what we’re taught to do! My first instinct when I see a particular woman circling around my partner or getting too close for comfort is to raise my eyebrows and silently tell her to fuck off! Because I am conditioned that way, and I know the other woman is also conditioned that way I think she would behave. It is very hard trying to be sensible! It is very hard fighting these things and I’ll be lying that as a feminist, I don’t struggle with these things. But the fight is worth it. I’m living a better quality of life the more I resist and re-condition myself.
So a lot of the times, it’s actually easier to flow with the status quo than resist and risk being called “bitter” and “crazy” and “a simp!”
Now how many men do you want to individually fight and hate? How many men do you want to point fingers at and blame? How many men do you want to fight on Twitter?
Those soldiers get bred and groomed everyday faster than the time it took for Will Smith to walk up to that podium and whack Chris across the face!
You definitely cannot win that way!
You’ll scream and shout and point fingers and then you die and your daughter continues from there, blaming another woman’s son!
And the stupid cycle continues!
THIS IS A SYSTEMIC ISSUE!
My partner said he’d met so many women who were so manipulative he would just agree women were generally witches and rationalize misogyny. He said he had tried reading feminist books but he really never understood, HE IS A MAN! And theories are very different from realities and practicals.
He couldn’t understand until he met me and tried getting in women’s world through me.
He said I’m the reason he is a feminist, because he now understands. He now really sees women and what we go through.
And women being manipulative so much so that men get scared and then hate women? It’s still Patriarchy.
In fact, even I am afraid of other women and what they can do to me maybe over another man? Or for any reason whatsoever.
Patriarchy makes sure women are ALWAYS competing with one another. It sets women against one another and women have to become manipulative to survive this cruel patriarchal place. We are gagged!
Being with my partner would also help my feminism to a very large extent. I get to see perspectives from men’s world. I get to see what they go through in the hands of Patriarchy too. I get to see the shits they have to deal with while relating with women; the games, the manipulations, the attempts of these women at trying to be in control in a world that’s stripped them of all dignity and autonomy. And it is because I know my partner that I’m not a misandrist. And I tell you I won’t be a misandrist that just bullies and hates men online. You won’t even know me, and the police would find a hard time locating the serial killer that just keeps killing men all over the world. That’s the kind of misandrist I would have become, and it would be justified. That’s actually the intention of patriarchy; groom men to rape and kill women and the women, in turn, try to fight the men back. The system never wants us to see the puppet masters. Honestly, between you and me, I still have that tendency. So I intentionally try to see the good in men and surround myself with feminist men as much as possible to keep that demon in check.
We need to bridge the gender gap that keeps men and women apart and prevents us from actually KNOWING one another. Beyond sex, we don’t know who the fuck the other gender is.
Women are the greater victims, men are also victims.
And my tired is very tired.
Wo, all I have been trying to say is that this battle has gone on for too long and we seem to be going round in circles.
Women keep getting distracted all the damn time to face the wrong enemies; M E N.
Men are not the enemies o. Walahi they’re not. If fighting them and “offing” them is the answer, I’d most probably be a serial killer right now.
You support rape on the social media, you go collect.
But it’s useless. That’s not the answer. There’s no point.
Men are not the problems.
Patriarchy that breeds and grooms them against women is!
That little boy is currently getting groomed to rape and kill that little girl.
Without gender unity, I swear on my life that this whole Patriarchy/Matriarchy oppression games the elites keep fucking us with would continue till humans go extinct and nobody would ever be happy. If you’re a woman and you think matriarchy pays you, you’re Jon Snow and you know nothing. You will still suffer, you go tire.
We need equality.
But my own tired is very tired. I can sort of see the whole ball of game and I wish I could just open my head and let you just watch because it sounds like I’m already ranting and ranting without making any sense.
It looks endless and overwhelming.
GENDER UNITY IS INDISPENSABLE.